The Chase for Happiness Starts With This….
Many classic R&B music listeners know the hit 1994 record by songstress Mary J. Blige that says:
“All I really want is to be happy…and to find a love that’s mine it would be so sweet.”
Sweet indeed.
Before this melodic chorus drops Mary asks the question:
“How can I love somebody else, if I can’t love myself enough to know when it’s time to let go.”
Whew, Mary that’s a lot to digest there.
Now while I’m no A&R or record producer I’d say this lyric hits the heart strings of almost every ear that these tunes reverberate against. But who could blame good ole Mary eh? Isn’t that what we all want — to be happy?
Well 2014 proved this as Pharell Williams’ movie soundtrack recording “Happy” was the #1 most downloaded song in the history of the UK. It’s 56 time mention of the word happy broke the internet, as they say, when the video dropped on Youtube. The video has gotten so many views the Youtube counter has literally stopped counting at 1 billion.
Sick.
With nursery rhymes training us early we are told that the crowd demands a sound. They want to hear if we’re happy, and if we are then our hands should be clapping. That’s if we know it.
But do we though?
Do we truly know what it looks, feels, smells, or sounds like to be happy? Or are we all like Will Smith, still on the pursuit of it? Still on a relentless quest to find who, where and what makes us - you guessed it - happy.
But in our unending pursuits, do we ever stop and ponder why this takes center stage to reach this goal of glee? Or do we let our pleasure seeking souls be the driver of this road to bliss?
In many of my recent conversations with people there has been a repeated phrase that has pierced me each time I’ve heard it. The phrase goes a little something like this:
“You know, I’ve just come to a place in my life where I’m only going to do the things that make me happy. I’m only going to speak to people who make me happy and I’m only going to do whatever it is that makes me feel good.”
Cringe.
While on the surface this position seems fair, unharmful and even understandable. But festering underneath this statement lies a gut-wrenching truth. A truth that many who reach this point aren’t willing to entertain. It is a truth that prevents the reality of this position to surface as it is a tough pill to swallow.
And not the baby aspirin kind but the horse pill version of your daily vitamin. A vitamin that is meant to nourish and grow your entire self: mind, body, spirit, soul and emotion.
So what happens when we opt to not take this daily does of minerality? Well in the short end of it, we stunt our growth. We voluntarily push pause on our life development and ultimately never see a part of our destined identity.
But free will is a tricky thing.
No one actually has to sign up for doing things that make them uncomfortable or “unhappy.” I say no one, but if the truth be told, many people don’t have this luxury of choosing only one way. Of choosing to avoid the route of least resistance. No, many people have that path blocked by external circumstances that are too great to move.
So what do they do?
Do they just shrug their shoulders and say:
- oh well I guess happiness is not for me
- it’s just not in the cards for my life
- I can only achieve happiness if my circumstances change or if I get what I think will make me happy
Well they certainly have that choice to decide. My guess is about half of the people who have such limited choice, one day have that crossroads moment of whether or not they will continue to allow their unavoidable life conditions to be the driving force to their level of enjoyment. I say enjoyment because the core word that is jammed in the midst of en __ ment is the three letter word joy.
You see joy, not happiness, should be the goal. If we are to pursue anything in life it should be joy. Why? Because the very definition of joy contains a rooted foundation that spans across experience and circumstance. While happiness is temporary joy is enduring.
You see joy has an unshakable understanding in life. Joy says:
no matter how much I cannot see my position in life changing, I will choose light over darkness.
Joy says:
I will laugh when things around me are inconvenient. I will choose to lift up my head when I experience suffering, because I have an everlasting foundation that extends beyond this momentary place of existence.
Nothing about joy is fleeting, fickle or untested. No quite the contrary, those whose lives are on the quest for joy are the real winners. Why? because they search for something much deeper than the surface level instant cooked feeling of satisfaction. They search for a trial by fire refined diamond that reflects both mature beauty and definition.
So often we turn off this beautification process when we decide to follow our fleeting desires for what we think makes us happy.
I’ve seen and heard this a million times over:
I left because______ (fill in the blank)
I decided to purchase it because _______ (fill in the blank)
You guessed it…because I wasn’t happy or it made me happy.
But have you ever stopped to think about what’s driving the thoughts of what we think makes us happy? My conclusions to this question boil down to this one word: Desire.
- Where do we get out desires from?
- How do we learn what desire means for us?
- Who sets the standard and how can we determine what is innately derived or what has been artificially injected into us?
One starting point for this dialogue is a quote by known philosopher Rene Girard that says:
“We desire according to the desire of other.”
In other words, rather than desire starting from within oneself first, we are so malleable that we are dependent on what’s other than us to teach us what to desire.
Many times we often subconsciously, or for some consciously, try and manipulate our lives and the outcomes of it to obtain what it is that someone else showed or told us what was to be desired. What if would take to make us happy.
In other words, we didn’t want the shiny new toy until we were presented with the option that the shiny new toy was to be desired. It’s a dastardly thing to have this side of desire which, as I’ve just displayed, is rooted in covetousness and comparison and is the welcomed thief of true joy in our lives.
While there’s certainly a dark side to desire like most other things, there is a life giving side as well. One that is connected to our Creator and our hearts. The holy inspired scriptures relay in Ecclesiastes 3 that God has placed eternity in our hearts for which all things will be made beautiful in its time.
What’s interesting is the time dependent workflow of how things become beautiful. Many times we do our best to orchestrate that beauty in our lives as fast as we can and as close to our desires as we can. We think if we can just remove people, places and things and replace them with people, places and things then our mathematical happiness formula will be a winning equation.
But dearly beloved, let us not fool ourselves into circumstantial exchanges as the primary quest and solution to finding and developing true joy.
Many people have gone down this path and have swapped gender, jobs, and spouses only to find that true joy is still missing from their lives. This is certainly not to take away from the many harmful and abusive situations that some must escape from. I am by no means endorsing a position in life that causes physical harm to an individual.
What I’m referring to instead is the human condition that does whatever it takes to avoid difficult and uncomfortable situations because their sole goal is to shield their happiness.
My question to this position is: With all the effort that you’re putting into preserving your perceived happiness- are you really?
Truly?
And if so at what cost?
I encourage you today to truly answer this question and perhaps introduce a new conversation within yourself that says: How different would my life be if instead of pursuing happiness, I chose to pursue true joy?
